https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jq5SvxMSSP0&t=303s

tuesday, december 6

fuck

what will be behind my ten dollar paywall website - innovative body awareness system

using feet to activate diff parts of lower body

using hands to activate upper

etc.

low key body dysmorphia

friday dec 16

isn't it amazing how men can be preoccupied with the same dumb shit their entire lives

spouting the same platitudes

i guess they're focused on something

which isn't necessarily good to me

like

THINK

about different things
and differently

which is to say

these types of people

probably do develop in their thinking

and think differently about their sole focus e.g. lifting, business, etc.

maybe it's their focus then that upsets me

lack of a "global perspective" that I assume

in LU of training logs from last couple weeks here is a convo with michael

ive cleaned my room, organized my closet and got some sleep, so yay, yet im still tired and not being productive at work

maybe if i get unlazy i will write up training logs from past couple weeks

spoiler alert: they haven't been good

---

Oh also meant to give u the book understanding patriarchy by bell hooks but it slipped my mind

MALE>200LBS

Indeed

U just made me think of a couple things u might not hate

11:24AM

would love to further investigate the cultural/philosophical relationships between valvasa, powerlifting, etc. as opposed to chinese/natural ideas on training

as long as it could be grounded in real evidence and history

You have become sick of me spewing so much mysticism I see

nana

its like

i am very allured by romanticism but i must move towards actual philosophy or concepts to be satisfied and engaged

there are many like, mysticisms as well as philosophies of the body that are available for us to learn, but with respect to weightlifting it seems the USA vs china thing has the starkest difference

also with respect to the social/cultural systems that cultivate lifters

i just desire to learn more

and its too simplistic or just not clear enough at this point

and altho i know i would probably learn technique better by watching/feeling.. i am compelled to more literature that expands on these ideas of like straight up, natural, relaxed, etc... idk

its very obvious when u read something like kelly starrett how he systematizes the body

Straight up is simply the most efficient path of bar. Relaxed/natural/mindful, maybe I would look towards the philosophical history of China (Buddhism/Taoism)

yes

idk much about taoism

i know a bit about confuscious but that deals more w the social public self and education as far as ive read

my understanding of buddhism as ive read and experienced it on a 10 day silent course would lead me to believe that something like weightlifting has nothing to do with buddhism

but what i learned is specifically from burma and so idk how much it shares with other asian traditions

like how buddhism goes from meditation and prayer to things like martial arts i am interested in

I was under the impression mindfulness was a large component of Buddhism but I haven't done extensive research on the topic

4 basic truths

1. life is suffering

2. suffering has a cause

3. that cause is craving and aversion

4. suffering can end, through the development of discipline, focus (or attention), and wisdom

i may have mixed them up a bit

but #4 alludes to the importance of mindfulness, its one of the three components towards easing or ending suffering

fucking

i could explicate everything i learned right now

too caffeinated

ima white guy talking about buddhism

-0:50

Dodo Impact added a new video: Rescued Pit Bulls Can't Stop Kissing.

These rescued pit bulls can't stop kissing each other — now all they need is a home together 🐶🐶💕💕💕

Dodo Impact

Chat Conversation End

thurs, dec 1 - depression is physical

it is december first and i am cold in this office
apparently because i'm only wearing a t-shirt and a thin sweater

or maybe because it's december first and the SAD really kicks in as the temp decreases
but today is not even the most temperately cold

colder as grad app deadlines approach
watch a purportedly motivational vid that reminds you of how your consumption and indifference, your wasting of time, is eating you from the inside
purported vs supposed vs reported vs alleged

open a pdf about stress
its nice you can find so many e-books for free now
but make no time to, may never read them

the continuous alt-tabbing
to fool yourself that people don't think you're a shit
the constant avoidance
of real work and responsibility
beyond stress, in the last few days you've swung into a full blown depression

and this oscillation between lifting and not
you just don't have that key to it right now, do you
do your work.
nope.

--

depression is physical

i felt this as sharp pain shot up my neck, as repeated attempts at snatch pull hurt the head of my shoulder
physical exercise should me invigorating
you should lust towards it
when it becomes too much for you, in your current state
like when you are miserably depressed

an hour, hour and a half later, after 20 minutes in a tims line, 1/3 of a leftover burrito, a small tim hortons chicken soup, half a tim hortons white bun, a spoonful of black beans, and now well into the sour cream glazed donut (one of the two i purchased, along with a pb filled double chocolate cookie and a mint filled chocolate cookie), and i still feel like this

dazed, stunned
overwhelmed, wanting to google "every decision is impossible"

also did some shit ass squats up to 255x3, 255x2

will try to go home and take out the trash and walk the dog and not do things that will make me miserable (both in the short and long term)

and i just remembered i need to apply to grad school

--

omw from work to the gym a man spoke with me on the bus
i guess i was standing next to him, and then, in the way i tend to not stand still, i shifted around and stood behind him
i guess he spat on the ground in the way like someone clears their throat, and moved and did it again
then came up to me and said he had to apologize bc he didnt see that i'd moved, he didn't want to seem like he was spitting at me
i asked him how his day was and he said long, and started telling me immediately about his macular degeneration. which I guess he was diagnosed with relatively young for that disease
and about how he eats kale everyday now because it contains certain things that will delay it
but essentially once that thing starts all you can do is delay it
plus he works at a PC all day
then he talked to me about taking care of oneself, public health, prevention, care, etc.
through his accent i didn't understand everything he was saying
but it was interesting, i guess, that you ask someone how their day was and they tell you the most pressing and fatal thing on their mind
i guess i'm really good at avoiding thinking and talking about things seriously
or like
i would keep such distance with that, i think,
even if i let on that i'm sad, i wouldn't say physically depressed
lmao

idk if i mentioned in last night's post but last night my grandma told me more stories than she's ever

weds, nov 30

what's my vert jump? from feigenbaum, on his crossfit xp:

 Most guys are going to test around 22″ with women being lower, about 14″. Now, say you have a guy coming to CrossFit with a 40″ vertical jump. Whoa ATHLETE alert, right? But not so fast…..being really explosive can be advantageous in sports when the effort is brief, i.e. a running back or wide receiver, but this actually can be a disadvantage when the efforts get longer, as the athlete who is genetically wired up to be very explosive will get fatigued too quickly. Basically, if you have a neuromuscular-derived advantage in creating a lot force quickly, i.e. you’re very explosive, that same neuromuscular system betrays you when you need to produce sub-maximal amounts of force over a long period of time. There’s no such thing as a biological free lunch here, folks.

always wonder where i fit in wrt that curve
wrt lifting it seems i have some gifts i.e. legs
throughout childhood was not considered athletic or anything
dad
flat feet

i want to be a chinese snatch 

daily there is a stupid cluttering of voices in my head about values and how important this shit is / should be to me 

i love the way this feels, to what extent am I allowed to engage in this practice 

because it seems that doing this is always pulling away from something else

in some cases that is true and important, like if i'm behind on deadlines 

or if i haven't hung out with friends and family 

and just want to lift

maybe that isn't productive

but but but but 

what about the rest of the time 

part of this "anxious dialectic" (thanks, @ft) relates to consumption, image, ego, etc. 

the building up of such a fragile statue 

the notion that it reveals or builds character seems funny to me in some ways 

because like 

to me it doesn't build character

lol

i lost my train of thought 

because i had a long crap unproductive day 

and im exhausted