thurs, dec 1 - depression is physical

it is december first and i am cold in this office
apparently because i'm only wearing a t-shirt and a thin sweater

or maybe because it's december first and the SAD really kicks in as the temp decreases
but today is not even the most temperately cold

colder as grad app deadlines approach
watch a purportedly motivational vid that reminds you of how your consumption and indifference, your wasting of time, is eating you from the inside
purported vs supposed vs reported vs alleged

open a pdf about stress
its nice you can find so many e-books for free now
but make no time to, may never read them

the continuous alt-tabbing
to fool yourself that people don't think you're a shit
the constant avoidance
of real work and responsibility
beyond stress, in the last few days you've swung into a full blown depression

and this oscillation between lifting and not
you just don't have that key to it right now, do you
do your work.
nope.

--

depression is physical

i felt this as sharp pain shot up my neck, as repeated attempts at snatch pull hurt the head of my shoulder
physical exercise should me invigorating
you should lust towards it
when it becomes too much for you, in your current state
like when you are miserably depressed

an hour, hour and a half later, after 20 minutes in a tims line, 1/3 of a leftover burrito, a small tim hortons chicken soup, half a tim hortons white bun, a spoonful of black beans, and now well into the sour cream glazed donut (one of the two i purchased, along with a pb filled double chocolate cookie and a mint filled chocolate cookie), and i still feel like this

dazed, stunned
overwhelmed, wanting to google "every decision is impossible"

also did some shit ass squats up to 255x3, 255x2

will try to go home and take out the trash and walk the dog and not do things that will make me miserable (both in the short and long term)

and i just remembered i need to apply to grad school

--

omw from work to the gym a man spoke with me on the bus
i guess i was standing next to him, and then, in the way i tend to not stand still, i shifted around and stood behind him
i guess he spat on the ground in the way like someone clears their throat, and moved and did it again
then came up to me and said he had to apologize bc he didnt see that i'd moved, he didn't want to seem like he was spitting at me
i asked him how his day was and he said long, and started telling me immediately about his macular degeneration. which I guess he was diagnosed with relatively young for that disease
and about how he eats kale everyday now because it contains certain things that will delay it
but essentially once that thing starts all you can do is delay it
plus he works at a PC all day
then he talked to me about taking care of oneself, public health, prevention, care, etc.
through his accent i didn't understand everything he was saying
but it was interesting, i guess, that you ask someone how their day was and they tell you the most pressing and fatal thing on their mind
i guess i'm really good at avoiding thinking and talking about things seriously
or like
i would keep such distance with that, i think,
even if i let on that i'm sad, i wouldn't say physically depressed
lmao

idk if i mentioned in last night's post but last night my grandma told me more stories than she's ever